You will give so much, and love your all, until one day, you can’t give anymore.

It’s like karma biting back at me. Loving someone so much, and not getting the same measure in return. It feels like you have ran a mile, and the other person have only inched across the room.  When you give your best and expect heartfelt appreciation, you only get a “Thanks”.

You will give so much, and love your all, until one day, you can’t give anymore.

Why do we love? We love, to be loved in return.

In our purest of hearts and most naïve of minds, we love more, thinking we will receive more love in return.

And when we don’t get the measure of love we think we deserve, we put more effort in loving.  And we try even harder. The harder it is, the more desirable the other person seems. And time after time, we stretch our capacity to love, in hopes of reciprocation at a level we expect. What more, since so much effort had already been put in! The cycle continues – Love, expect more love back, didn’t meet expectation, love more, expect more….

Each time the expectation is not met, disappointment accumulates. With each disappointment, your expectation decreases. As your expectations drop, your efforts dip.

Finally, you come to a point where you do not expect anymore. Then it doesn’t matter whether the person reciprocates anymore. You have also given up loving.

Lessons during this period of "alone-ness"

Last night, I asked God to show me if A really loved me.This morning, I saw a friend post this:

Come afternoon, I was speaking to him and I got all frustrated about our distance, how long we haven't seen each other, and I started crying and telling him how it felt like I was putting in so much effort, and he was putting little.
He told me to stop worrying, and that he loves me, and is trying to work things out. He doesn't mind waiting this out and then we can finally move together once he gets settled with his cafe business or career, if the former doesn't work out. 
He said he got a little frustrated as well, when I told him about other guys giving me attention and that I was always giving him ultimatums. That was precisely because he does not seem to express himself, and when I don't know, I start imagining stuff. And me telling him all these things was in hope to get a reaction from him, to get more attention and love from him.


How would I know what I do not know, feel, or hear?


I felt better after the phone conversation. He sent me a text, and said that he was probably "quiet" because he didn't know where he was heading, or what to do with his life. He said that he loves me, but this would take a while for us to be together.



After that, I think God spoke to me. 

It is not something entirely new, but He revealed something else through this situation.


Right from the start, this relationship with A was a reminder to trust God. Precisely he was not a believer, I couldn't take things for granted, like I used to. I couldn't just lean on him or any man, like I used to lean on Rallen. I had to learn to trust God.

What happened today reinforced that, and also that I had to learn: Patience


I was reminded of what J shared last night. During her previous relationship with an unbeliever, she prayed to God and gave him permission to take that guy away from her life. Ouch. that is painful. She went through a period of mourning, and waiting. But look at what we have now? Her, happily attached to D, and they are both happily serving in His house.


At my work desk, I silently thanked God that Rallen left. It is painful, but it was for the better. Look at what I have experienced in the last 8 months? I discovered new-found joys for dance, travelling, made many new friends, became more confident in myself (my self-worth is no longer in him), learnt to enjoy time alone, had the most fun I ever had in years, and most importantly, discovered who my real friends were, and appreciate my family more.


Back to Patience.
Good things are worth waiting for. In life, we don't always get what we want. It is only when we work hard for what we want, then it becomes something that we truly cherish. 

I thank God that I still have a few years ahead for me, before I need to get married. For now, it just means, that loving someone doesn't mean that I have to be with the person all the time.
The distance will tell if you really want him or her, or vice versa.

I'll use this 3 years to focus on my career, and get myself refined in the arts. Meet more people, learn more, experience more. And hopefully, by then, I'll be ready.

You can know so much, yet not know at all.

I used to think I know it all for myself.
I used to know what I want for my career, and how to head there, and even if it means much hurdles, I already had a part of me fulfilled, in the form of Rallen.

Dan said it was about finding the right person, whom you know you can trust, and loves you.

I thought Rallen was that person. With him, I thought I knew love, I knew what commitment was, I knew what it means when someone really loved you. Cos when someone really loves you, he would do anything for you right? He did so much for me.

Yes, he did many amazing things for me, but I have realised he couldn't actually do anything for me.

He was my encourager, my motivator, my counselor, my best friend, my companion, my strength. I went to him for everything. I probably tired him out, since he is just human after all.

I shared all my dreams, passions, needs and wants with him. I got lost sometimes, but he would always bring me back to where I started out. And right now, I have no one to bring me back to where I should be.

I don't know where I should be.

I tend to think that I am happy now, away from him, because a part of me says that it is time that I leave Singapore, and nobody should hold me back. I want to travel, and see the world. I want to meet people and experience life in different countries. This part of me could never materialise when I was with him. He did not share the same type of joy that I could find in the beauty of nature, the excitement in themed parks, the simplicity of wandering around aimlessly.

But a few has said that I am just running away from reality.
I am not sure if that is true. Am I trying to be a totally different person? I may be...but what is wrong with that?

I just want to be happy.
And maybe, happy means putting aside everything and live life simply. Maybe all that I used to want, they were not meant to be. Maybe, I gave them all up because there are too much memories. Well. I don't know anymore.

They say home is where the heart is. My heart is not here, it is not at peace. Maybe I will lead a nomad life, and make a home wherever my heart leads me. I will go, where the wind blows.

Feels like my life is on hold.
No career prospects ahead, not enough money to travel, nothing to pursue.
I need a breakthrough.