second decade of my life

It seems kinda weird that I'm only celebrating my twentieth so late in the year. It's like I've already been 20 for the whole year, and finally officially turning 20 and celebrating it, i'll be telling people I'm 21 this year in less than a month's time! OH MY GOODNESS, that is so scary. THAT MEANS people will officially treat me as an adult soon!

This year I did not have a big celebration, just got a few friends to come over to my place for dinner. Received quite a few gifts, but the best one - - was of course from Mr Sunflower. He is so incredibly sweet. In the morning, he came over to my place to pick me up to bring me to his house to reveal to me what he has prepared.

For the past weeks, he's been telling me that he was busy preparing my gift. So there I was.. waiting to see how much work he has done...

He passed to me a black box with pink embellishments on top, handmade.
I opened the box an staring at my face were two envelopes "Naughty" & "Nice".
He urged me to pick one and open. I opened the envelopes and found two naughty gifts!

There was also a Moleskin organiser. really cool stuff. And also a bottle of M&Ms which says "Keep Away from children M&Ms w nuts Take 1 tablet when depressed. Increase dosage for severe cases"

Here's the climax.

An album he made himself! It was a compilation of photographs and birthday wishes from my friends. Wow. It was not just those friends that he knew, but also some of my secondary school friends that he's never met before. Ah. the power of Facebook. One of the first few pages, I was so surprised to see my kiddy photo here! The one on top shows a 4yearold me in swimsuit. His partner in crime is actually my sister!
Finally, the message from him.
Reading the messages and seeing my older photographs with my friends really made me very touched. I teared when I saw a few messages from people I don't see anymore, but still hold them dearly in my heart. A gift can be expensive but memories (and relationships) are priceless. This album is a precious compilation of my life.

Mr Sunflower, you've brightened up my day once again. Thanks for your hard work and staying up beyond hours to do this.
And also. Thanks to all who have replied to his messages and made me a very happy person!

it only gets greater

Every year, as the year draws to an end, I will look back at the exciting year past and wonder if the coming year could be as good as this year?
For the past few year-ends, I have been asking this question, but before I know it, God would have brought me through the next year with greater breakthroughs and more achievements.

I am continually in awe of how my life has progressed. The unimaginable has become reality and I cannot help but be excited about what lies ahead in 2008.

Things can only get better, greater.

First taste of marathon

It was a chore to wake up when the alarm rang at 5:00am. Lazily I snoozed it for a few times (during which my mind said just skip the run..) After much struggling, I awoke and got changed into marathon attire. We took a cab to bras basah complex and left our belongings in my sister's friend's car. In that early hour, we already saw many who were dressed for the run and heading towards the esplanade. The guys' 10km run started at 7:15am and ours, 8:00am. For me, as a first timer, I was unsure if I could finish the race. After the unbearable wait, we stepped on the trackpad at the starting line. Hordes of us ladies ran! As we ran past Fullerton Hotel, a cold wind blast sent the chills. Next, we went by Lau Pa Sat, and the whiffs sent images of local hawker delights to my mind..I quickly dismissed the images and concentrated on the run. I was pretty surprised when I saw the sign to indicate we had finished 1km. Oh well, but it was still a long way. Adidas provided a tag in the runners package to get runners to write motivational messages and pin them on our backs during the run.
Along the way, there were some interesting ones, and I found they really do motivate fellow runners.
I particularly loved the pair of sisters who ran in cheerleading costume and held pompoms in their hands. One sister wrote on the tag on her back "My sister made me do this". Another runner wrote "I fought breast cancer to run this race." And many others encouraging others to continue to run.

I've never ran past 5 or 6km in my life, I believe and by the time I crossed the U-turn point, my mind lost its strength. I stopped for about a minute and continued..running, this time the legs heavier. The run between 7 - 8.point something km seemed to be pretty fast..until I saw the 9km sign.. I kept running.. craning my neck to find the finishing point but it seemed to be neverending.. and finally, a glimpse of the Padang. Now, to go for the last 150m! Off i went and crossed the finishing line! I felt really satisfied, having finished 10km for the first time in my life. I submitted my running chip and scooted drowsily to the info counter to find Patrick and Rallen sitting under a shade. Whoo. It was really a great experience!

this is how he motivates? "Are we there yet?"

too stoned to react to their bullying

Mr Sunflower

Walking down the stairs I saw him reading. On the first glance, he kept his book and shoved a cream coloured envelope in my face, asking me to read it. The words, scribbly and small - I speedread as he prompted me to "faster read this". Opening the envelope, I took out a card with, again, scribbly small words in the centre (which I barely read) when he told me he has a surprise for me. There and then, I realised he had his right arm hidden behind his back through the last three minutes I met him.





The word "surprise" send the blood gushing to my cheeks and an instant "Oh no..No..You shouldn't have" to my mouth.


Despite my "No..." and my embrace to the wall to hide my face, he presented me with a huge sunflower.

It is the BIGGEST sunflower I've ever seen in my face.

There was so special occasion - but Mr Sunflower treated me to sushi for dinner, in celebration of being together for five months.

Bright, and greets chirpily you in the face - according to my best friend Vanessa, Ray is the sunflower personified. Cheesy, but he'll always bring you a smile and lighten up the mood.

Freedom

Feeling down today?
Feel unpretty?
Think you're too fat or too skinny?
Wish you had a happier family?

Don't fret over these things. You are beautifully made and all things work out for good.
There's a reason why you here on earth, you have talents that other people might not have.
You can make a difference in somebody's life.

I watched a video about Nick Vujicic today. Nick's story is one that can be told over and over again. He was born without limbs and yet, through it all, he's been able to lead a normal live like the rest of us and inspiring many through his sharing. (Read more about him at www.lifewithoutlimbs.org . )

Now that I'm writing this, I am reminded of the several occasions Boon has mentioned about Nick to encourage us that we are able to do so much more if we look beyond limitations.

In Nick's video, he said that you find meaning and strength to live on when you discover your purpose in life. It is not about the temporary highs like sex, drugs and alcohol that makes you happy and keeps you going. But it is when you find your purpose, that's when you'll find true satisfaction. Then it will not matter what people think or say about you anymore, because you know who you are and where you are heading.

As the song goes, "You are my freedom.." Ever since I discovered my purpose in Christ, I found freedom - freedom from fear, freedom from what others think of me. That freedom came when I took faith measures to believe, and act out, and inch towards what God showed me.

Looking back, I really wonder where I would be, if I didn't avail myself, if I chose to pursue my otherwise. Though He has brought me far, I have not arrived. I would really be nothing without Christ. Much is given to those who are faithful over little.

It is time to rise up. It is time to serve.

----
I have never walked on water
felt the waves beneath my feet
but at Your word Lord ill receive Your faith to walk on oceans deep

and i remember how You found me
in that very same place
all my failing surely would have drowned me.. but You made a way

YOU ARE MY FREEDOM
JESUS YOU'RE THE REASON
IM KNEELING AGAIN AT YOUR THRONE
WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT YOU
HERE IN MY LIFE

You have said that all the heavens
sing for joy at one who finds the
Way to freedom truth of Jesus
bought from death into His life

and i remember how You saw me
through the eyes of Your grace
and though the cost was Your Beloved for me
still You made a way

YOU ARE MY FREEDOM
JESUS YOU'RE THE REASON
IM KNEELING AGAIN AT YOUR THRONE
WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT YOU
HERE IN MY LIFE
HERE IN MY LIFE

You are my Freedom
Jesus you're the reason

Relient K - "Getting Into You"

When I made up my mind
And my heart along with that
To live not for myself
But yet for God, somebody said
Do you know what you are getting yourself into

When I finally ironed out
All of my priorities
And asked God to remove the doubt
That makes me so unsure of these
Things I ask myself, I ask myself
Do you know what you are getting yourself into

[Chorus]
I'm getting into You
Because You got to me, in a way words can't describe
I'm getting into You
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love You with my life

When he looked at me and said
I kind of view you as a son
And for a second our eyes met
And I met that with a question
Do you know what you are getting yourself into

[Chorus]

I've been a liar and I'll never amount to
The kind of person You deserve to worship You
You say you will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do You say
I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into

[Chorus]

He said, I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into

________

(refuse to) communicate

they speak words
usually spoken weary
sometimes, or most times
she preferred minimal talking
one-word or one-syllable answer, steering clear of squabble

it was not that they didn't love each other
it was not that they didn't care

it was to avoid the pain of rejection

communication died gradually
conversations ended in rejection continually
there left no space for opinions
thus discussion becoming obsolescent

even so, she tries occasionally
initiating a fair weather topic

she walks away, disappointed again.

adventure

its been an adventure since the day I met You
i was frail and in need of hope
You came, nursed me though you were strange to me- I asked why?
You taught, imparted to me the ways of life
You loved, so that i in turn love those who cry

There were lows and highs
However, You've never let me go
I am so very thankful
for every single breath i breathe is a miracle

My life has been such an adventure


----------------------

Lord, I give you my best

Singapore Drumfest 2007

Dear all,

Singapore Drumfest is happening for the first time in Asia! Unlike your usual concert, this is a two-day festival that brings you live entertainment by these world-class drummers! This show is not to be missed!
Check out the e-flyer below and do pass it on to all your friends!

SIGN UP FOR THE MAILING LIST HERE!



FOR MORE INFORMATION:
VISIT WWW.SINGAPOREDRUMFEST.COM or WWW.MYSPACE.COM/SGDRUMFEST
or EMAIL ENQUIRIES@SINGAPOREDRUMFEST.COM

Get your tickets at SISTIC today!

and he said being emo is a gift

These 3 songs are officially banned from my itunes playlist. Don't get me wrong, the songs are beautifully written, played and sung. But they are too beautifully emotional too. My friend told me being emo is a gift. I think I'm too emo for my own good.

These songs are highly recommended for your listening pleasure!
They are uploaded on my multiply playlist.

enjoy=)

-----

"Boston" - Augustana

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
You said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
You said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.


-----

"Coffee and Cigarettes" - Michelle Featherstone

I gave up coffee and cigarettes
I hate to say it hasn’t helped me yet
I thought my problems would just dissipate
And all my pain would be in yesterday

I poured my booze all down the kitchen drain
And watched my bad habits get flushed away
I thought that that would keep my head on straight
And all my pain would be in yesterday

But it’s true
I’m still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit, I must quit, you

I thought that if I didn’t go and play
The sadness would get bored and go away
I thought that if I didn’t go astray
That all my pain would be in yesterday

But it’s true
I’m still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit, I must quit, you

I sold my guitar and my piano
I thought that it was these that kept me low
I thought if only I could try and change
That all my pain would be in yesterday

But it’s true
I’m still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit, I must quit, you

I must quit, I must quit, you

-----

"Too Close For Comfort" - McFly

I never meant the things I said
To make you cry
Can I say I'm sorry

It's hard to forget

And yes I regret
All these mistakes
I don't know why you're leaving Me
But I know you must have your reasons
There's tears in your eyes
I watch as you cry
But it's getting late

Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I'm wanting in
What was I just about to discover
When I got too close for comfort
Driving you home
Guess I'll never know

Remember when we scratched our names into the sand
And told me you loved me
But now that I find
That you've changed your mind
I'm lost for words
And everything I feel for you
I wrote down on one piece of paper
The one in your hand
You won't understand
How much it hurts to let you go

Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I'm wanting in
What was I just about to discover
I got too close for comfort
Driving you home
Guess I'll never know

All this time you've been telling me lies
Hidden in bags that are under your eyes
And when I asked you I knew I was right

But if you turn your back on me now
When I need you most
But you chose to let me down

Won't you think about what you're about to do to me
And back down...

Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I'm wanting in
What was I just about to discover
I got too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I'm wanting in
(Yeh yeh yeh)

What was I just about to discover
When I got too close for comfort
Driving you home
I guess I'll never know...

Decisions

There has been so many decisions to be made lately.

I just made one last night which kept me awake the entire night.

It seems each time I made up my mind about a certain issue(after really weeks and months of consideration), it gets bounced back to me - that I should really take a different direction from what I chose.

One of these decisions is for my education options after poly.

Initially my options were:

1. SOT and then go for local uni
2. local uni - NTU, NUS, SMU
3. La Salle/Nafa
4. Go Australia - Advertising Creative (love the course, but can't bear to leave SG)
4. Private Uni - Marketing/Advertising
4. Raffles Design Institute



Time went past, I thought, and thought and prayed..
Bouncing here and there to all the campuses, the deadlines closed one by one.
As I flowed with circumstances and weighing the pros and cons, I settled on Raffles Design, because I've always had a passion for visual arts. It was also wisest to pick Raffles as it offers 3 years for a degree, instead of 4.

So finally, after so long, I've had a direction for my future.

I went on to find out about study loans etc. Now, my sister advised me against going Raffles as it will be really burdensome financially - I should wait ONE YEAR to go local uni instead.

So now, I'm super lost.
I don't know what I want to study in the local uni. I don't even know if I can get in.

But I have to complete my studies....

As a kid I've always known what I want and where I want to head in terms of studies.
But now, I just don't know anymore.

--

Frozen

his words icy cold
the coldness crept right to her heart
numbing the bare tenderness
it slowly, freezes
the sensation of frostbites burns deep
burns so deep it hurts

and the raw heart freezes
stone cold, stone hard

brittle and unfeeling the heart became
unlike its former hotblooded tenderness

pieces broken off
she let them be

my friend, my beloved child
don't let it be?
don't let that man hurt you again

there's someone else who loves you more
who yearns to give you warmth
take it slow, take time to grow
there's no hurry in love, its not war

i'll be there for you
for hugs and joy, for tears and pain


-----

- The story of a beautiful heart somebody once told me -

One day a young man was standing in the middle
of the town proclaiming that he had the most
beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large
crowd gathered and they all admired his heart
for it was perfect.
There was not a mark or a flaw in it.
Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most
beautiful heart they had ever seen.
The young man was very proud and boasted
more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of
the crowd and said, "Why your heart is not
nearly as beautiful as mine."

The crowd and the young man looked at the
old man's heart. It was beating strongly,
but full of scars, it had places where pieces
had been removed and other pieces put in, but
they didn't fit quite right and there were
several jagged edges. In fact, in some places
there were deep gouges where whole pieces
were missing.

The people stared -- how can he say his heart
is more beautiful, they thought?
The young man looked at the old man's heart
and saw its state and laughed.

"You must be joking," he said.
"Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect
and yours is a mess of scars and tears."

"Yes," said the old man, "Yours is perfect
looking but I would never trade with you.
You see, every scar represents a person to
whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece
of my heart and give it to them, and often
they give me a piece of their heart which fits
into the empty place in my heart, but because
the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges,
which I cherish, because they remind me of the
love we shared. "Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart
away, and the other person hasn't returned
a piece of his heart to me. These are the
empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance.

Although these gouges are painful, they stay open,
reminding me of the love I have for these people too,
and I hope someday they may return and fill the
space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"

The young man stood silently with tears running
down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man,
reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart,
and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old
man with trembling hands

The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart
and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and
placed it in the wound in the young man's heart.
It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges.
The young man looked at his heart, not perfect
anymore but more beautiful than ever,
since love from the old man's heart flowed into his.
They embraced and walked away side by side.

Love Protects

There has been a friend that has felt much unjust regarding how leaders are biased towards
their own members. That should anybody confront a particular unhappy incident, the leaders will always protect the accused member instead of siding with the wronged party.

To some people, such attitudes of the leader could be deemed unwise judgement.

However, the explanation to this is:

Love always protects.

From Max Lucado's A Love Worth Giving : "Here is what love says: Love says nothing. Love stays silent. "Love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8 NASB). Love doesn't expose. It doesn't gossip. If love says anything, love speaks words of defense. Words of kindness. Words of protection."

Like how a mother protects her child who plays truant and smokes heavily - she continues praying that he will change his ways and serves him daily with meals and cleaning his mess

Like how a friend who fends for her bestie when the rest of the class cracks nasty jokes about her - there may be some truth in it but she stands by her friend with encouragements

Like how Jesus never failed to forgive us, when we lied, swore, spoke hurtful words, he forgave even the adulterers! - He never condemned or gave up on us. Instead He gave us a chance, or rather, many chances to start afresh.

Jesus offered us a cloak of love. Do you know somebody who needs this cloak of love?

Imagine

Thousands of people were before me as I kept the beats on the drums, they were cheering. My heartbeat went faster, it was too great a vision to conceive, I thought to myself as I opened my eyes. Nevertheless, with my hands lifted, I received what I saw and it became something that spurs me on. That was in a particular service, about 3 - 4 years back.

I loved the drums, and that is with special thanks to my bestie in sec school who introduced me to it, and a special someone who ignited my interest in rock music. These two people have then faded away, in my life, sadly. But I still am thankful to them.

Well. I dreamed of playing drums so well, that I would play at gigs and gigs and more gigs.
However, I've been discouraged, by my mom, who violently objects to my passion. I remember the afternoons when I ran out of the house for drum lessons, teary-eyed and with a hoarse voice after heated arguments.

After sometime, I managed to save up for a set, and it was all blessing and miracle when I finally managed to bring the Tama Stagestar home after months of "hiding" it in my guitarist's home.
Jamming sessions were going nowhere, and I had no avenue to play. I wasn't even good enough.

Then at that point in life, drumming was at a standstill.

Until, somehow, I experienced a breakthrough in The Strikeforce. I began to hunger to improve, and I learnt that drumming was not just drumming. With that, The Strikeforce does it as a team, to bring on a PERFORMANCE, a SHOW. I met people who share the passion for drumming and people who help you ENLARGE your vision. Through this, as iron sharpens iron, there is a provoking to want to do more and to be better.

And there and then.. one day, during a gig I realised that, this was what God was showing me in 2003 - Thousands of people watching and cheering you on, as you bring on the show.


Back then, I was even too shy to tell people of this vision I saw.
Wasn't that too ambitious?
Wasn't that too adventurous?
Wasn't that just a silly dream?

But now, I'm convinced.
Like what Ps. Casey Treat said, "When you close you eyes, you see MORE than with your eyes, because you have the vision in your heart."

Once again, I have to renew my mind and heart, so that I can see Greater, and Bigger visions. I'm not gonna stop here, simply because I know the earlier visions have come to past. BUT REALLY because, they have come to past, I should believe for even Greater things.

It all started with a desire to play drums and to perform, and then a vision birthed forth, and then everything just fell into place.

"If you can see it, if you can believe it, you can be a part of it."

I woke up with a bullet in my head
These burning memories are fading to ashes
Scenes keep flashing
the times we spent laughing
the frivolity and spontaneity
the words that touched me

I hold my last breath
I lie in peace with the gun in my hand

Weary

The desire deep within
to find rest and peace
Only in You, my God
Where the laughter fades
and the human strength is in lack
Your word is read
My soul waits

Seconds... thoughts run eagerly
Minutes...nothing is happening
Hour...an overwhelming touch, flooding my eyes with warm tears

Renewal of strength
Joy births forth
It's time to run, again.

4 words for Love

"Did you know the Greeks have 4 different words for Love? That’s not fair! I
think I deserve to have a way to say I really love ice cream and I really
love my Nanny (grandma) without bringing my Nanny into a world of lactose
intolerance and a madman’s craving for chocolatey deliciousness.

Eros is the passionate love, with sensual desire and longing; where erotic
comes from.
Philia is friendship, a dispassionate virtuous love.
Storge is natural affection, like that felt by parents for children, or
little ones for Nanny.
Agape – THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE – is an all-inclusive unconditional love.
This is the one widely used in religious teachings. To have agape is to see
all people doing the best they can with the light they’ve got. Agape is not
spoken about. It’s a space you rest in, a state of being that is pure
uninhibited love. Someone in this state is not looking for a return on the
investment. In fact they don’t see it as an investment at all. This is
remarkable compassion."

- extracted from Jason Mraz's Vday journal entry

im a rawk starrrr

[click to view conversation]

what to say?
It's just me..it's meant to be.. hahahahah


and matt dedicated "rock star" to me..
sweet.



i just wanna have fun on stage.

keep dreaming

I dream

of crafting works with my hands, that will be appreciated by many
of writing pieces to encourage the hearts that have grown weary
of painting vivid stories on the canvases in the minds of people
of developing concepts that inspire and innovate
of building structures out of the world to fill the present empty spaces
of composing songs that touches deeply and changes lives
of scripting epic stageplays and films
of spreading joy through entertainment media

of a world who learns acceptance for every living being
of a human race driven by love
of a society, which understands and forgive
of a people who perservere for the truth


i dream, i dream

maybe i dream too much.

i love you both

perservering, forgiving and faithful
no matter how naughty, selfish and inconsiderate i am

we find frustration communicating with each other
i lose my patience easily
most times being too caught up in my own world
thinking that my work is more important
thinking that fighting for the future is more crucial

i remain oblivious to the fact that while i work so hard to grow up
they will grow old too

i stopped communicating, but they continue to be interested in my life
sometimes i say words and do things that hurt them
most of the times i forget to show my appreciation and love

i don't wanna look back in my life and regret neglecting them,
like Adam Sandler in Click.

Mommy, i love you for protecting me and cooking great dishes for me.
Daddy, i love you for being supportive and spoiling me by doing things for me.

Thanks for providing for me and bringing me up.

i love u both.

Vday

Changed the title image for my blog, it's been there for too long.. ahhaha

Now my blog just looks ugly, black and white.

I've not touched my blog nor had the time to blogsurf.. since.. duno when.
Read a post my friend wrote and he mentioned that he feels kinda emo today..

It's Valentine's Day

my bestie called me and asked, "What are you doing girl?"
"Feeling emo."
"Why?"
"Don't know."

ha. and my emo-ness made me change the title image for my blog.

I guess I'm not the only one feeling this way.

To all who are single: You don't have to feel loser-ish, there are so many great friends around.
To all who are hurt and scarred from a relationship: You're worth more than this, it's better without him or her.
To all who are divorced/separated: You're stronger than what you think, spend this time to appreciate your other family members.
To all who are going out as dating couples: Sweet. Be more romantic can?
To all who are going out as married couples: Wah, Sweeter. Even if u cannot, please be at least 3 times more handsome, prettier and slimmer than usual.
To all who are attached but not going out with your partner today: OEI, wake up your idea! this is an over commercialized day but still, you want your other half to envy other couples?


ok. uhhhm.

haha. crapping.