God's love

For the first time today, I went to New Creation Church at Star Vista. After hearing about a few of my friends who have joined their services, and even my sister who comes from a traditional background spoke positively about the sermon, I finally gotten my lazyass off my bed on Sunday morning to attend the service. When I was there, I felt at peace.

Since years back, I've heard from many skeptics about NCC. I don't know if things have changed, but I felt the message shared today was truly focused on God, and His love for us. In fact, after today's message, I really felt more confident about whatever lies ahead. 

I learnt about the importance of knowing how much God loves you. 

When you know that God loves you, you will have the confidence that everything in life will work out, and you will need to seek security in the wrong places, and from the wrong people. 

1 John 2:15-16 "If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him."

Because we don't know how much God loves us, because we haven't experienced that love...that is why we put our focus and confidence in the "world",  like money, power, approval from men.

However, if we understand how much God loves us, we will not need to seek approval from people. The same way, if our parents continually assure us that they love us, and that we are beautiful, what others say will not matter to us. We will then have the confidence to go through life without compromising ourselves.

Through that, I also realised, in my past experience, when I was hopelessly in love with my boyfriend, many things didn't matter. It didn't matter that I was struggling to make a career, it didn't matter if we didn't have plans, it didn't matter if things were boring, it didn't matter whether I dressed up or down. When you have the full assurance of love from someone, you know that no matter what you do, he/she will still love you the most. He/she will still find you beautiful and what you share together will be important. When you have the full assurance of love, people may judge you and say things about you, you have the confidence to not let them affect you because it does not matter.

God loves us... and has given his Son to redeem us, so that we can live life abundantly.

No matter what situation you are in, He has a plan for you.

Two Lists You Should Look at Every Morning

A colleague forwarded this article the other day. It was an instant call for action, for me to sit and and ponder about what is important to me.

Here goes the article by Peter Bregman, who contributes to the Harvard Business Review Blog Network:

I was late for my meeting with the CEO of a technology company and I was emailing him from my iPhone as I walked onto the elevator in his company's office building. I stayed focused on the screen as I rode to the sixth floor. I was still typing with my thumbs when the elevator doors opened and I walked out without looking up. Then I heard a voice behind me, "Wrong floor." I looked back at the man who was holding the door open for me to get back in; it was the CEO, a big smile on his face. He had been in the elevator with me the whole time. "Busted," he said.

The world is moving fast and it's only getting faster. So much technology. So much information. So much to understand, to think about, to react to. A friend of mine recently took a new job as the head of learning and development at a mid-sized investment bank. When she came to work her first day on the job she turned on her computer, logged in with the password they had given her, and found 385 messages already waiting for her.

So we try to speed up to match the pace of the action around us. We stay up until 3 am trying to answer all our emails. We twitter, we facebook, and we link-in. We scan news websites wanting to make sure we stay up to date on the latest updates. And we salivate each time we hear the beep or vibration of a new text message.

But that's a mistake. The speed with which information hurtles towards us is unavoidable (and it's getting worse). But trying to catch it all is counterproductive. The faster the waves come, the more deliberately we need to navigate. Otherwise we'll get tossed around like so many particles of sand, scattered to oblivion. Never before has it been so important to be grounded and intentional and to know what's important.

Never before has it been so important to say "No." No, I'm not going to read that article. No, I'm not going to read that email. No, I'm not going to take that phone call. No, I'm not going to sit through that meeting.

It's hard to do because maybe, just maybe, that next piece of information will be the key to our success. But our success actually hinges on the opposite: on our willingness to risk missing some information. Because trying to focus on it all is a risk in itself. We'll exhaust ourselves. We'll get confused, nervous, and irritable. And we'll miss the CEO standing next to us in the elevator.

A study of car accidents by the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute put cameras in cars to see what happens right before an accident. They found that in 80% of crashes the driver was distracted during the three seconds preceding the incident. In other words, they lost focus — dialed their cell phones, changed the station on the radio, took a bite of a sandwich, maybe checked a text — and didn't notice that something changed in the world around them. Then they crashed.

The world is changing fast and if we don't stay focused on the road ahead, resisting the distractions that, while tempting, are, well, distracting, then we increase the chances of a crash.
Now is a good time to pause, prioritize, and focus. Make two lists:

List 1: Your Focus List (the road ahead) What are you trying to achieve? What makes you happy? What's important to you? Design your time around those things. Because time is your one limited resource and no matter how hard you try you can't work 25/8.
List 2: Your Ignore List (the distractions)
To succeed in using your time wisely, you have to ask the equally important but often avoided complementary questions: what are you willing not to achieve? What doesn't make you happy? What's not important to you? What gets in the way?

Some people already have the first list. Very few have the second. But given how easily we get distracted and how many distractions we have these days, the second is more important than ever. The leaders who will continue to thrive in the future know the answers to these questions and each time there's a demand on their attention they ask whether it will further their focus or dilute it.
Which means you shouldn't create these lists once and then put them in a drawer. These two lists are your map for each day. Review them each morning, along with your calendar, and ask: what's the plan for today? Where will I spend my time? How will it further my focus? How might I get distracted? Then find the courage to follow through, make choices, and maybe disappoint a few people.

After the CEO busted me in the elevator, he told me about the meeting he had just come from. It was a gathering of all the finalists, of which he was one, for the title of Entrepreneur of the Year. This was an important meeting for him — as it was for everyone who aspired to the title (the judges were all in attendance) — and before he entered he had made two explicit decisions: 1. To focus on the meeting itself and 2. Not to check his BlackBerry.

What amazed him was that he was the only one not glued to a mobile device. Were all the other CEOs not interested in the title? Were their businesses so dependent on them that they couldn't be away for one hour? Is either of those a smart thing to communicate to the judges?

There was only one thing that was most important in that hour and there was only one CEO whose behavior reflected that importance, who knew where to focus and what to ignore. Whether or not he eventually wins the title, he's already winning the game.

I could identify with the email checking habit... and acknowledge that I have given myself to distractions many times!

Technology has made us so very efficient, and yet given us so many distractions at the same time. We think that by being kept busy with constant email checking, we are clearing work. Sometimes, to the contrary, we end up answering requests and end up not being able to complete what we were supposed to do. Worse still, we might be so overwhelmed we miss our window of opportunity for something we always wanted - yet to distracted to remember. It's time to get my focus right, and hesitate each time the email alert or phone rings.

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I
Try to make you see that you're
Everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I
Can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah
You're onto me, onto me and all over

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

You will give so much, and love your all, until one day, you can’t give anymore.

It’s like karma biting back at me. Loving someone so much, and not getting the same measure in return. It feels like you have ran a mile, and the other person have only inched across the room.  When you give your best and expect heartfelt appreciation, you only get a “Thanks”.

You will give so much, and love your all, until one day, you can’t give anymore.

Why do we love? We love, to be loved in return.

In our purest of hearts and most naïve of minds, we love more, thinking we will receive more love in return.

And when we don’t get the measure of love we think we deserve, we put more effort in loving.  And we try even harder. The harder it is, the more desirable the other person seems. And time after time, we stretch our capacity to love, in hopes of reciprocation at a level we expect. What more, since so much effort had already been put in! The cycle continues – Love, expect more love back, didn’t meet expectation, love more, expect more….

Each time the expectation is not met, disappointment accumulates. With each disappointment, your expectation decreases. As your expectations drop, your efforts dip.

Finally, you come to a point where you do not expect anymore. Then it doesn’t matter whether the person reciprocates anymore. You have also given up loving.

Lessons during this period of "alone-ness"

Last night, I asked God to show me if A really loved me.This morning, I saw a friend post this:

Come afternoon, I was speaking to him and I got all frustrated about our distance, how long we haven't seen each other, and I started crying and telling him how it felt like I was putting in so much effort, and he was putting little.
He told me to stop worrying, and that he loves me, and is trying to work things out. He doesn't mind waiting this out and then we can finally move together once he gets settled with his cafe business or career, if the former doesn't work out. 
He said he got a little frustrated as well, when I told him about other guys giving me attention and that I was always giving him ultimatums. That was precisely because he does not seem to express himself, and when I don't know, I start imagining stuff. And me telling him all these things was in hope to get a reaction from him, to get more attention and love from him.


How would I know what I do not know, feel, or hear?


I felt better after the phone conversation. He sent me a text, and said that he was probably "quiet" because he didn't know where he was heading, or what to do with his life. He said that he loves me, but this would take a while for us to be together.



After that, I think God spoke to me. 

It is not something entirely new, but He revealed something else through this situation.


Right from the start, this relationship with A was a reminder to trust God. Precisely he was not a believer, I couldn't take things for granted, like I used to. I couldn't just lean on him or any man, like I used to lean on Rallen. I had to learn to trust God.

What happened today reinforced that, and also that I had to learn: Patience


I was reminded of what J shared last night. During her previous relationship with an unbeliever, she prayed to God and gave him permission to take that guy away from her life. Ouch. that is painful. She went through a period of mourning, and waiting. But look at what we have now? Her, happily attached to D, and they are both happily serving in His house.


At my work desk, I silently thanked God that Rallen left. It is painful, but it was for the better. Look at what I have experienced in the last 8 months? I discovered new-found joys for dance, travelling, made many new friends, became more confident in myself (my self-worth is no longer in him), learnt to enjoy time alone, had the most fun I ever had in years, and most importantly, discovered who my real friends were, and appreciate my family more.


Back to Patience.
Good things are worth waiting for. In life, we don't always get what we want. It is only when we work hard for what we want, then it becomes something that we truly cherish. 

I thank God that I still have a few years ahead for me, before I need to get married. For now, it just means, that loving someone doesn't mean that I have to be with the person all the time.
The distance will tell if you really want him or her, or vice versa.

I'll use this 3 years to focus on my career, and get myself refined in the arts. Meet more people, learn more, experience more. And hopefully, by then, I'll be ready.

You can know so much, yet not know at all.

I used to think I know it all for myself.
I used to know what I want for my career, and how to head there, and even if it means much hurdles, I already had a part of me fulfilled, in the form of Rallen.

Dan said it was about finding the right person, whom you know you can trust, and loves you.

I thought Rallen was that person. With him, I thought I knew love, I knew what commitment was, I knew what it means when someone really loved you. Cos when someone really loves you, he would do anything for you right? He did so much for me.

Yes, he did many amazing things for me, but I have realised he couldn't actually do anything for me.

He was my encourager, my motivator, my counselor, my best friend, my companion, my strength. I went to him for everything. I probably tired him out, since he is just human after all.

I shared all my dreams, passions, needs and wants with him. I got lost sometimes, but he would always bring me back to where I started out. And right now, I have no one to bring me back to where I should be.

I don't know where I should be.

I tend to think that I am happy now, away from him, because a part of me says that it is time that I leave Singapore, and nobody should hold me back. I want to travel, and see the world. I want to meet people and experience life in different countries. This part of me could never materialise when I was with him. He did not share the same type of joy that I could find in the beauty of nature, the excitement in themed parks, the simplicity of wandering around aimlessly.

But a few has said that I am just running away from reality.
I am not sure if that is true. Am I trying to be a totally different person? I may be...but what is wrong with that?

I just want to be happy.
And maybe, happy means putting aside everything and live life simply. Maybe all that I used to want, they were not meant to be. Maybe, I gave them all up because there are too much memories. Well. I don't know anymore.

They say home is where the heart is. My heart is not here, it is not at peace. Maybe I will lead a nomad life, and make a home wherever my heart leads me. I will go, where the wind blows.

Feels like my life is on hold.
No career prospects ahead, not enough money to travel, nothing to pursue.
I need a breakthrough.

two of the things that light up my life - reflections of my current, past and future.

This was done by Rallen, given to me on V-day this year. It makes my room a happier place. It's the first thing I see every morning when I wake up, encouraging me daily to look to the future, yet not to take the past for granted.

相信付出会有代价 代价只是一句傻瓜

傻瓜 － 温岚

Michael Bastian to Design for Gant - Men's Wear News - WWD.com

A new directive for GANT fall 2o1o. The touch of this notable designer will definitely bring the collection to a new level. Too bad Singapore is not gonna enjoy any part of this 50-piece line.

Michael Bastian to Design for Gant - Men's Wear News - WWD.com

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Fashion Victim - Poetry

The A to Zs of Fashion Victims, from Auctions, Bimbo, Catwalk, to Editor, to Journalist, to Logos, Model, Photographer.....and more... all of them described in poetry.

Here's my favourite, D for Designer,
from the book Fashion Victims by Michael Roberts:

At six years old I dressed a doll in ribbons, lace, and flowers
My father said he wished me dead and made me take cold showers.

At twelve I took my mother off to buy the spring collections
Oh, what a waste of style and taste - she hated my selections.

At twenty-one, with childhood done, I studied hard at fashion
I sewed quite well, but truth to tell, fame was my guiding passion.
I learned to pose in outre clothes and clubbed till early morning
I slept in class, they kicked my ass - and threw me out for yawning.

I changed my name at twenty-five, became a good assistant
I worked all night, was bright, polite, and never too persistent.
I so disarmed with boyish charm, my hair as soft as sable
A hedge honcho came along and offered me a label!

At thirty-five, I felt alive, no one could stop me rising
They said my clothes were "quelque chose," "amusing", "smart", "surprising."

At forty-nine, my second line was priced at several billion
I lived in castles on the Rhine, my drug bills came to millions.
I wore a wig and Quaker shoes-my own unique aesthetic-
And never hear my workers say, "He's looking quite pathetic."

At sixty-one (which I'll remain for the longest time),
I fear the days are running out, but onward still I climb.
I diet, train, have sex again - I've scored some hunky catches.
But when I go, I'll go alone, with doll's and daddy's ashes.

Origin of two-day weekend

Extracted from What Am I Wearing? A Global Tour to the Countries, Factories, and People that Make Our Clothes, by Kelsey Timmerman:

According to Witold Rybczynski, author of Waiting for the Weekend (New York, 1991), the American two-day weekend has its roots in the textile industry. In 1908, a spinning factory in New England adopted a two-day weekend to accomodate the Jewish Sabbath, Saturday, to accompany the Christian Sabbath, Sunday, which had been observed for some time. Henry Ford took up the cause from there. Ford thought that the additional day off would increase consumer spending, and, specifically, increase automobile travel. Weekend road trips were good for business.

Oh you perceive my thoughts from afar.

Psalms 139:1-6
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

I tried sharing this with a few people and I had to hold back tears.. because I am so touched by God.

Recently, I had a job prospect that requires major use of Mandarin. Having passed the first interview, I was informed to go for second round of interview (it would be this coming Fri).
I didn't do very well for the first round, in fact I failed miserably when I tried to converse with the interviewer in Mandarin; I barely completed two sentences.
I decided I needed to prepare for the second round with list of potential questions & answers.

As I prepared, I thought they might ask about my views about China. It dawned upon me that I had essays written during secondary school on China. I went through my cabinet of books and files to find my Chinese Essay exercise books, and thought in my head, "Who would have known I would have use of these essays?!"

The search was a little disappointing..until I found scraps of exercise sheets torn off from the books. I flipped through, it was collection of Mandarin journals and essays －周记 & 作文。I was quite surprised, these essays and reflections scored 70-80 marks. And then something struck me when I came to this essay titled, "My ideal occupation" or “我理想的职业” . Guess what, at 14 or 15 years old, I wrote:

"My ideal occupation would be a down-to-earth missionary with a big heart that serves God........"

When I read this line, I could not remember if this was a reflective essay or just imaginative. I read on.. it elaborated on how I would make a difference and help the lives of many. It went on to explain why I had such motivation to serve God..:

"Because of how I've experienced God's perfect love, I can't wait to show His goodness to the world. In the past, I lived in days of despondency, bitterness, depression, and nobody could help. I could only wallow in alcohol and cigarettes, as if they could chase away my frustrations."

At this point, God's presence filled the room. I was so touched, tears rolled down my cheeks.
I wrote that essay in my early teens, and I had not tried cigarettes or alcohol. Yet, years after, reading in my essay now, it was like God had used my essay to prophesy and ministering to me now.

Yes, I did cigarettes and alcohol some time back. But back then in my teens, how was I to know that one day I would pick up these vices and then finally read the Chinese essay that I written?

God is good. Our all-knowing God knows me so well, that back then when I was doing this essay, He was already using me to write words that would eventually serve as future encouragement to myself. Amazing.

Nike Wolverine Vs. Sabretooth Pack | Big Nike Hi & Air Max 95

Nike Wolverine Vs. Sabretooth Pack | Big Nike Hi & Air Max 95

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3 things I covet for but will never get this Spring Summer 2009

1. The Balmain Military Jacket. Price: US$11, 410.
It was seen on Beyonce, Victoria Beckham and Rihanna. The padded shoulder of the jacket sharpens and accentuates the silhouette and since it draws attention to the upper part of the body. I prefer the version in lighter color, making the entire look less harsh.



2. DKNY Sneaker heels. Price: Approx S$400
I always preferred street wear over high fashion. If I had the choice, I would wear sneakers to work everyday. I can't, and if I could have something like that, I'll be able to wear sneakers everyday and still look acceptable. This first caught my eye in a magazine fashion spread. Before I knew it, it was also in every other local fashion magazine.
I just saw two pairs of these at the DKNY counter at Isetan Scotts a few hours ago. One of it is in colorful print (the first pair in the series of four above) Lurve!!




3. Long flowing hair. Price: Don't Know..
See the image of the girl in band FIR above.. That's the hair I want for the longest time..... but my ends are so dried its almost impossible to happen by end of this year. Hair stylists are usually in disgust when they see my hair, a massive mop of split ends.

a world that strives for?

A few days back I was having a conversation with somebody more senior regarding my career prospects. Though I was not that comfortable sharing fully on what I want for my future, I just felt the conversation was getting nowhere, I might as well be transparent about what I have in mind so that she understands why I made the decision I made.
I told her a major factor contributing to my decision was because I want to pursue further in music, to be able to have more time to do music.
She chuckled and said in a seemingly teaseful, "So idealistic!" and the next comment she made surprised me, "You siao ah hahaha"...and "Why you so naive..." And she went on about how I have to look at reality.
I just smiled back at her and listened to her words, and I tried to mentally digest them.
It didn't occur to me until much later, that those words, though delivered with light laughter, were actually rather taunting. (Yes i know i'm quite slow..)

I kept thinking about it...This is not the first time I've been put down on my dreams, but I'm rather shocked to receive this from somebody that is supposedly respectable, and of higher social status. And yes, I do look at the reality, and that is why I dare to make such a statement. To others I may be idealistic, and she's not the first one to say I am. And anyway what's wrong with being idealistic? The world says it like its a bad thing... And if that's the case, does that mean the world has no ideals to strive for? Shouldn't we all go for perfection and excellence? If not, why is the world working their life away, just to earn more for better quality in life?

I believe in the vision that God has planted in my head and I believe that I still have some years of youth to pursue that vision. Go ahead and say that I'm crazy, but yes, I'd rather be crazy than to look back in regret.

Chill out after stressful day

28 March was one day after I tendered my resignation. It was one helluva exciting and stressful day managing my first and last major fashion show. Clothes, shoes, accessories, models, attendance whirlwind through my day before I settled down to catch my breath after dinner that night. I was really looking forward to meeting up with Ray and chillin' out with him at Helipad. Thanks to Dan, I got introduced to this place. Really really really nice place, which makes you wonder, if it were always that quiet. DJ Koflow was spinning that night, but we preferred to stay outdoors, relaxing under the night sky. If you're looking for exclusivity and ambience, this club/bar will definitely serve you well. Without further ado, the view at the rooftop of Helipad.

People chillin on the HUGE "H"

The view from Helipad

My Poison

My sleepy eyes

I was satisfied with the ambience and drinks. We went off early and caught the last bus. Guess what, on the bus this snazzily-dressed man caught our attention. He was in a long-sleeved green knitted top with striped pants and brown dress shoes. On his head a newsboy cap with huge headphones, in his hand a magazine "Computer Music". Woh, must be a DJ haha. And then Ray excitedly pulls out the same magazine! What a coincidence.

It's hard to say - The Used

This track played again on my MP3 this morning. I held back tears. It happens over and over again everytime it plays.. The last words a friend left behind before we went separate ways.

the singer finished singing and she's walking out
the singer sheds a tear fear of falling out
and it's hard to say how i feel today
for years gone by, and i cried

it's hard to say that i was wrong
it's hard to say i miss you
since you've been gone it's not the same

my worries weigh the world how i used to be
and everything(i'm cold) seems a plague in me
and its hard to say how i feel today
for years gone by, and i cried

it's hard to say that i was wrong
its hard to say I miss you
since you've been gone it's not the same
it's hard to say i held my tongue
it's hard to say if only
since you've been gone it's not the same

worse than a fear it's the lie you told a thousand times before
worse than a fear it's the knife
but it's hard to say how i feel today
for years gone by, and i cry

it's hard to say that i was wrong
it's hard to say I miss you
since you've been gone it's not the same
it's hard to say i held my tongue
it's hard to say if only
since you've been gone i'm not the same
it's hard to say
(God it's hard to say)
it's hard to say
(God it's hard to say)
since you've been gone i'm not the same

Destiny

Work has taken a toll on me recently, especially since Ray's not in Singapore.
After much complaining and thinking, and putting myself on a day's break for prayer and to ponder on what would really make me happy.. I am convinced, that
it is not money that would keep my complaining mouth shut
it is not about having lesser responsibilities that would make my life any more comfortable

It is knowing that I am pursuing something that God has called me, THAT will cause me to be more motivated.
It is actually working towards the burdens and using of the gifts God has planted in me, THAT will result in a sense of satisfaction.

I hear God's calling. I want to work towards it.

Rallen fashion sia...

Rallen's picture was featured in City News Style Book... Ooh.. Click on this link http://www.chc.org.sg/citynews/?p=9447 to find out what they said about his style. and guess who bought that nice bag and hat for him hahah.
Admirable nonchalance sia.

Valentines Day 2009 Pt 2

Ray emailed me one day before 14 Feb 2009:




In the end, guess what, we got each other matching gifts! ha. His was the real thing of course. The one I gave him was a brown pillow which I sewed Domokun's face on, with an extra hat by the side. =)