Lessons during this period of "alone-ness"

Last night, I asked God to show me if A really loved me.This morning, I saw a friend post this:

Come afternoon, I was speaking to him and I got all frustrated about our distance, how long we haven't seen each other, and I started crying and telling him how it felt like I was putting in so much effort, and he was putting little.
He told me to stop worrying, and that he loves me, and is trying to work things out. He doesn't mind waiting this out and then we can finally move together once he gets settled with his cafe business or career, if the former doesn't work out. 
He said he got a little frustrated as well, when I told him about other guys giving me attention and that I was always giving him ultimatums. That was precisely because he does not seem to express himself, and when I don't know, I start imagining stuff. And me telling him all these things was in hope to get a reaction from him, to get more attention and love from him.


How would I know what I do not know, feel, or hear?


I felt better after the phone conversation. He sent me a text, and said that he was probably "quiet" because he didn't know where he was heading, or what to do with his life. He said that he loves me, but this would take a while for us to be together.



After that, I think God spoke to me. 

It is not something entirely new, but He revealed something else through this situation.


Right from the start, this relationship with A was a reminder to trust God. Precisely he was not a believer, I couldn't take things for granted, like I used to. I couldn't just lean on him or any man, like I used to lean on Rallen. I had to learn to trust God.

What happened today reinforced that, and also that I had to learn: Patience


I was reminded of what J shared last night. During her previous relationship with an unbeliever, she prayed to God and gave him permission to take that guy away from her life. Ouch. that is painful. She went through a period of mourning, and waiting. But look at what we have now? Her, happily attached to D, and they are both happily serving in His house.


At my work desk, I silently thanked God that Rallen left. It is painful, but it was for the better. Look at what I have experienced in the last 8 months? I discovered new-found joys for dance, travelling, made many new friends, became more confident in myself (my self-worth is no longer in him), learnt to enjoy time alone, had the most fun I ever had in years, and most importantly, discovered who my real friends were, and appreciate my family more.


Back to Patience.
Good things are worth waiting for. In life, we don't always get what we want. It is only when we work hard for what we want, then it becomes something that we truly cherish. 

I thank God that I still have a few years ahead for me, before I need to get married. For now, it just means, that loving someone doesn't mean that I have to be with the person all the time.
The distance will tell if you really want him or her, or vice versa.

I'll use this 3 years to focus on my career, and get myself refined in the arts. Meet more people, learn more, experience more. And hopefully, by then, I'll be ready.

You can know so much, yet not know at all.

I used to think I know it all for myself.
I used to know what I want for my career, and how to head there, and even if it means much hurdles, I already had a part of me fulfilled, in the form of Rallen.

Dan said it was about finding the right person, whom you know you can trust, and loves you.

I thought Rallen was that person. With him, I thought I knew love, I knew what commitment was, I knew what it means when someone really loved you. Cos when someone really loves you, he would do anything for you right? He did so much for me.

Yes, he did many amazing things for me, but I have realised he couldn't actually do anything for me.

He was my encourager, my motivator, my counselor, my best friend, my companion, my strength. I went to him for everything. I probably tired him out, since he is just human after all.

I shared all my dreams, passions, needs and wants with him. I got lost sometimes, but he would always bring me back to where I started out. And right now, I have no one to bring me back to where I should be.

I don't know where I should be.

I tend to think that I am happy now, away from him, because a part of me says that it is time that I leave Singapore, and nobody should hold me back. I want to travel, and see the world. I want to meet people and experience life in different countries. This part of me could never materialise when I was with him. He did not share the same type of joy that I could find in the beauty of nature, the excitement in themed parks, the simplicity of wandering around aimlessly.

But a few has said that I am just running away from reality.
I am not sure if that is true. Am I trying to be a totally different person? I may be...but what is wrong with that?

I just want to be happy.
And maybe, happy means putting aside everything and live life simply. Maybe all that I used to want, they were not meant to be. Maybe, I gave them all up because there are too much memories. Well. I don't know anymore.

They say home is where the heart is. My heart is not here, it is not at peace. Maybe I will lead a nomad life, and make a home wherever my heart leads me. I will go, where the wind blows.

Feels like my life is on hold.
No career prospects ahead, not enough money to travel, nothing to pursue.
I need a breakthrough.

two of the things that light up my life - reflections of my current, past and future.

This was done by Rallen, given to me on V-day this year. It makes my room a happier place. It's the first thing I see every morning when I wake up, encouraging me daily to look to the future, yet not to take the past for granted.

相信付出会有代价 代价只是一句傻瓜

傻瓜 － 温岚

Michael Bastian to Design for Gant - Men's Wear News - WWD.com

A new directive for GANT fall 2o1o. The touch of this notable designer will definitely bring the collection to a new level. Too bad Singapore is not gonna enjoy any part of this 50-piece line.

Michael Bastian to Design for Gant - Men's Wear News - WWD.com

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Fashion Victim - Poetry

The A to Zs of Fashion Victims, from Auctions, Bimbo, Catwalk, to Editor, to Journalist, to Logos, Model, Photographer.....and more... all of them described in poetry.

Here's my favourite, D for Designer,
from the book Fashion Victims by Michael Roberts:

At six years old I dressed a doll in ribbons, lace, and flowers
My father said he wished me dead and made me take cold showers.

At twelve I took my mother off to buy the spring collections
Oh, what a waste of style and taste - she hated my selections.

At twenty-one, with childhood done, I studied hard at fashion
I sewed quite well, but truth to tell, fame was my guiding passion.
I learned to pose in outre clothes and clubbed till early morning
I slept in class, they kicked my ass - and threw me out for yawning.

I changed my name at twenty-five, became a good assistant
I worked all night, was bright, polite, and never too persistent.
I so disarmed with boyish charm, my hair as soft as sable
A hedge honcho came along and offered me a label!

At thirty-five, I felt alive, no one could stop me rising
They said my clothes were "quelque chose," "amusing", "smart", "surprising."

At forty-nine, my second line was priced at several billion
I lived in castles on the Rhine, my drug bills came to millions.
I wore a wig and Quaker shoes-my own unique aesthetic-
And never hear my workers say, "He's looking quite pathetic."

At sixty-one (which I'll remain for the longest time),
I fear the days are running out, but onward still I climb.
I diet, train, have sex again - I've scored some hunky catches.
But when I go, I'll go alone, with doll's and daddy's ashes.

Origin of two-day weekend

Extracted from What Am I Wearing? A Global Tour to the Countries, Factories, and People that Make Our Clothes, by Kelsey Timmerman:

According to Witold Rybczynski, author of Waiting for the Weekend (New York, 1991), the American two-day weekend has its roots in the textile industry. In 1908, a spinning factory in New England adopted a two-day weekend to accomodate the Jewish Sabbath, Saturday, to accompany the Christian Sabbath, Sunday, which had been observed for some time. Henry Ford took up the cause from there. Ford thought that the additional day off would increase consumer spending, and, specifically, increase automobile travel. Weekend road trips were good for business.

Oh you perceive my thoughts from afar.

Psalms 139:1-6
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

I tried sharing this with a few people and I had to hold back tears.. because I am so touched by God.

Recently, I had a job prospect that requires major use of Mandarin. Having passed the first interview, I was informed to go for second round of interview (it would be this coming Fri).
I didn't do very well for the first round, in fact I failed miserably when I tried to converse with the interviewer in Mandarin; I barely completed two sentences.
I decided I needed to prepare for the second round with list of potential questions & answers.

As I prepared, I thought they might ask about my views about China. It dawned upon me that I had essays written during secondary school on China. I went through my cabinet of books and files to find my Chinese Essay exercise books, and thought in my head, "Who would have known I would have use of these essays?!"

The search was a little disappointing..until I found scraps of exercise sheets torn off from the books. I flipped through, it was collection of Mandarin journals and essays －周记 & 作文。I was quite surprised, these essays and reflections scored 70-80 marks. And then something struck me when I came to this essay titled, "My ideal occupation" or “我理想的职业” . Guess what, at 14 or 15 years old, I wrote:

"My ideal occupation would be a down-to-earth missionary with a big heart that serves God........"

When I read this line, I could not remember if this was a reflective essay or just imaginative. I read on.. it elaborated on how I would make a difference and help the lives of many. It went on to explain why I had such motivation to serve God..:

"Because of how I've experienced God's perfect love, I can't wait to show His goodness to the world. In the past, I lived in days of despondency, bitterness, depression, and nobody could help. I could only wallow in alcohol and cigarettes, as if they could chase away my frustrations."

At this point, God's presence filled the room. I was so touched, tears rolled down my cheeks.
I wrote that essay in my early teens, and I had not tried cigarettes or alcohol. Yet, years after, reading in my essay now, it was like God had used my essay to prophesy and ministering to me now.

Yes, I did cigarettes and alcohol some time back. But back then in my teens, how was I to know that one day I would pick up these vices and then finally read the Chinese essay that I written?

God is good. Our all-knowing God knows me so well, that back then when I was doing this essay, He was already using me to write words that would eventually serve as future encouragement to myself. Amazing.

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Nike Wolverine Vs. Sabretooth Pack | Big Nike Hi & Air Max 95

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3 things I covet for but will never get this Spring Summer 2009

1. The Balmain Military Jacket. Price: US$11, 410.
It was seen on Beyonce, Victoria Beckham and Rihanna. The padded shoulder of the jacket sharpens and accentuates the silhouette and since it draws attention to the upper part of the body. I prefer the version in lighter color, making the entire look less harsh.



2. DKNY Sneaker heels. Price: Approx S$400
I always preferred street wear over high fashion. If I had the choice, I would wear sneakers to work everyday. I can't, and if I could have something like that, I'll be able to wear sneakers everyday and still look acceptable. This first caught my eye in a magazine fashion spread. Before I knew it, it was also in every other local fashion magazine.
I just saw two pairs of these at the DKNY counter at Isetan Scotts a few hours ago. One of it is in colorful print (the first pair in the series of four above) Lurve!!




3. Long flowing hair. Price: Don't Know..
See the image of the girl in band FIR above.. That's the hair I want for the longest time..... but my ends are so dried its almost impossible to happen by end of this year. Hair stylists are usually in disgust when they see my hair, a massive mop of split ends.

a world that strives for?

A few days back I was having a conversation with somebody more senior regarding my career prospects. Though I was not that comfortable sharing fully on what I want for my future, I just felt the conversation was getting nowhere, I might as well be transparent about what I have in mind so that she understands why I made the decision I made.
I told her a major factor contributing to my decision was because I want to pursue further in music, to be able to have more time to do music.
She chuckled and said in a seemingly teaseful, "So idealistic!" and the next comment she made surprised me, "You siao ah hahaha"...and "Why you so naive..." And she went on about how I have to look at reality.
I just smiled back at her and listened to her words, and I tried to mentally digest them.
It didn't occur to me until much later, that those words, though delivered with light laughter, were actually rather taunting. (Yes i know i'm quite slow..)

I kept thinking about it...This is not the first time I've been put down on my dreams, but I'm rather shocked to receive this from somebody that is supposedly respectable, and of higher social status. And yes, I do look at the reality, and that is why I dare to make such a statement. To others I may be idealistic, and she's not the first one to say I am. And anyway what's wrong with being idealistic? The world says it like its a bad thing... And if that's the case, does that mean the world has no ideals to strive for? Shouldn't we all go for perfection and excellence? If not, why is the world working their life away, just to earn more for better quality in life?

I believe in the vision that God has planted in my head and I believe that I still have some years of youth to pursue that vision. Go ahead and say that I'm crazy, but yes, I'd rather be crazy than to look back in regret.

Chill out after stressful day

28 March was one day after I tendered my resignation. It was one helluva exciting and stressful day managing my first and last major fashion show. Clothes, shoes, accessories, models, attendance whirlwind through my day before I settled down to catch my breath after dinner that night. I was really looking forward to meeting up with Ray and chillin' out with him at Helipad. Thanks to Dan, I got introduced to this place. Really really really nice place, which makes you wonder, if it were always that quiet. DJ Koflow was spinning that night, but we preferred to stay outdoors, relaxing under the night sky. If you're looking for exclusivity and ambience, this club/bar will definitely serve you well. Without further ado, the view at the rooftop of Helipad.

People chillin on the HUGE "H"

The view from Helipad

My Poison

My sleepy eyes

I was satisfied with the ambience and drinks. We went off early and caught the last bus. Guess what, on the bus this snazzily-dressed man caught our attention. He was in a long-sleeved green knitted top with striped pants and brown dress shoes. On his head a newsboy cap with huge headphones, in his hand a magazine "Computer Music". Woh, must be a DJ haha. And then Ray excitedly pulls out the same magazine! What a coincidence.

It's hard to say - The Used

This track played again on my MP3 this morning. I held back tears. It happens over and over again everytime it plays.. The last words a friend left behind before we went separate ways.

the singer finished singing and she's walking out
the singer sheds a tear fear of falling out
and it's hard to say how i feel today
for years gone by, and i cried

it's hard to say that i was wrong
it's hard to say i miss you
since you've been gone it's not the same

my worries weigh the world how i used to be
and everything(i'm cold) seems a plague in me
and its hard to say how i feel today
for years gone by, and i cried

it's hard to say that i was wrong
its hard to say I miss you
since you've been gone it's not the same
it's hard to say i held my tongue
it's hard to say if only
since you've been gone it's not the same

worse than a fear it's the lie you told a thousand times before
worse than a fear it's the knife
but it's hard to say how i feel today
for years gone by, and i cry

it's hard to say that i was wrong
it's hard to say I miss you
since you've been gone it's not the same
it's hard to say i held my tongue
it's hard to say if only
since you've been gone i'm not the same
it's hard to say
(God it's hard to say)
it's hard to say
(God it's hard to say)
since you've been gone i'm not the same

Destiny

Work has taken a toll on me recently, especially since Ray's not in Singapore.
After much complaining and thinking, and putting myself on a day's break for prayer and to ponder on what would really make me happy.. I am convinced, that
it is not money that would keep my complaining mouth shut
it is not about having lesser responsibilities that would make my life any more comfortable

It is knowing that I am pursuing something that God has called me, THAT will cause me to be more motivated.
It is actually working towards the burdens and using of the gifts God has planted in me, THAT will result in a sense of satisfaction.

I hear God's calling. I want to work towards it.

Rallen fashion sia...

Rallen's picture was featured in City News Style Book... Ooh.. Click on this link http://www.chc.org.sg/citynews/?p=9447 to find out what they said about his style. and guess who bought that nice bag and hat for him hahah.
Admirable nonchalance sia.

Valentines Day 2009 Pt 2

Ray emailed me one day before 14 Feb 2009:




In the end, guess what, we got each other matching gifts! ha. His was the real thing of course. The one I gave him was a brown pillow which I sewed Domokun's face on, with an extra hat by the side. =)

Valentines Day 2009 Pt 1

What I did on Vday this year...

1. Wakeboarding in the morning with colleagues.....

I barely managed to hold that for a few more seconds...unlike my colleague...
HOT Mama alert!

2. ZZZZZzZZzZ in the afternoon......




3. Dinner with Ray in the evening.... Yums

It was difficult to settle on a dinner place as it was crowded with queues everywhere! We were so famished, after going rounds after rounds in Central. We walked over to Liang Court and finally ordered our meal at 9:15pm at Tampopo, a japanese restaurant at Level 1. I was craving for sashimi. The sashimi at Tampopo was GGGGGGOOOOODDD! Thick, succulent fleshy salmon at only $6.50.

After dinner we walked around the Clarke Quay area and found something interesting. This young man was busking with an electronic instrument which we couldn't figure out what was... How about electronic guzheng?


This is one of my more memorable Vdays. Ha I can't remember what I did last year. Wakeboarding was really fun, despite the extremely salty water. Hope to try it again soon!

touched by the piano

Now that school's out, I've been feeling less uptight about hanging out with friends and doing things at a more leisurely rate.
Just the other day I was hanging out with my poly schoolmates, lounging on the open-air balcony at Vivo City, listening and discussing about music. One of them, Owen, a hyper creative talented guy who drums, sings, plays a bit of guitar, beatbox a bit..(goes on la), he mentioned sometimes he would just put on soft music in his room, lay back and close his eyes and enjoy.
That night, when I went home, I thought to myself, why not just do what he did?

I put on my earphones and put on the "Diva-ish" playlist folder on my mp3 player. This folder contains the slow, mellow songs which I consider Diva-ish, since the singers have a big emotional voices.

First song on the list was The Voice Within - Christina Aguilera. I listened intently to emotions put into singing by Aguilera. It is a very encouraging song. In the middle of the song, I moved my focus to the background music, predominantly piano, violin and drums. The mix of strong vocals and musicality moved me and raised a thankful thought, "People might thank Abba for the music, but I really God for the music. It is way beautiful that such creativity is placed in people to put instruments and vocals together to tell stories in such an amazing way."

Second song was Only Hope - Mandy Moore. Yes i know, what sia Mandy Moore, like I sold out right. This song was written by either by Switchfoot, or Switchfoot's singer Jonathan Foreman. The opening of this song was piano. Pure piano. I was immediately drawn to the piano tune, how it blended together with the stages of the song. The more I listened, the more I was impressed with how the piano could capture the mood of the song. I was touched to tears by the end of the song, involuntarily. (I know so emo right)

Next song was Can't take take away - Mariah Carey. Another encouraging song with piano arrangements. I realised, all these powerful songs have very beautiful piano arrangements. The piano builds the story up and presents the message of the songs in such versatile manner, sometimes agressive, sometimes subtle.

After that experience, my breath was taken away by the piano. I've always loved the drums and I never knew I could be so awed by any other instrument. The amazing part about piano, is that like drums, it is also considered a percussion instrument since the keys have to be hit to produce a sound. Yet at the same time, it has the anatomy of a stringed instrument, allowing it to produce such melodious tunes.

I guess this is what loving music all about, dismantling the elements behind music pieces and enjoy each element like a wine connoisseur, in order to appreciate the full beauty of a music piece.

Spot the similarity

Introducing Domo-Ray.........

DIY music video COOL

Was doing my assignment on new media when I chanced upon this really cool video.
This characters and props in the video was made with materials like paper and glue! Really cool stuff. Hard work and patience though!
Check it out:



Bubblicious from Rex The Dog on Vimeo.