rat race

It's the time of the month again. The time when I put on a thick skin going to my mom, sister and boyfriend for money. It's approaching the time of the month for school fees to get deducted from my account and I panic because I have barely enough to last the week. It is the time the ATM tells me that withdrawing $30 is impossible because amount exceeds the balance. It is the time when I cross my fingers in withdrawing $20 so that I can pay the cab uncle who's still waiting for me at the taxi stand when i'm running office errands.

Now, go ahead and judge me. I barely shop, and barely do wild and lavish hangouts. I tried bringing home-cooked leftovers to work for lunch for awhile (until I got sick of it, sorry mom). And I'm still broke.

Mid-months are usually gloomy for me - and this cycle never stops.
I'm beginning to feel like I'm stuck in the rat race. And this makes me even sadder.

There's only going to be more bills and loans to pay, soon enough. People barely get out of the rat race do they? Study loans, Car loans, Housing loans, Utilities bills, Phone bills.... the list goes on.

I had a dream, that one day I could be an outstanding drummer, one who is an entertaining performer. But now I just don't see how being stuck in a rat race like this can help me get there. Stuck and struggling to keep up with paying bills and daily necessities.

I want to be able to work and have enough money and energy and time to work on my dreams. This is so hard.

At this point, I feel like I'm living a life that is lack of purpose and direction. We were young and so full of faith that we could pursue any dream. Now I'm veering off and away, further from that dream more and more each day..

I just hope things would get better after I finish my degree studies. Then again, that would mean full force into the rat race and more bills to pay.

--------------------------------


For a long time, I've been sad
For a long time, I've not felt the sense of destiny & purpose that I had
For a long time, I've been living on the things that were considered good by the world
For the longest time, I've not found fulfillment in the things I do
A long time should end now, if You tell me how.


--------------------------------

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Philippians 2:13
For it is God who works in you to will
and to act according to his good purpose.

--------------------------------